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How to get out of the imbalance?

Дмитрий Буланов

Автор темы
Руководитель форума, мужской психолог, практик КПТ
Команда форума
Эксперт форума
29 Июл 2012
Семейный статус
How to get out of the imbalance?
In a nutshell, the partner who has the minus sign should redirect attention to hobbies, affairs, and needs in any other areas that are not related to their relationships. If you are a person who has nothing else left but a loved one, then you will be without your loved one soon. In other words, if your partner has friends, a creative hobby, an interesting job, a car, ambitious plans, and a subscription to a fitness club, you must have the same or something equivalent, so that your partner's significance to you is not higher than yours is for them. All the energy that your partner has is divided between all their interests. You get only a part.

There is a mistaken attitude that, "when I meet the right person and build a correct, true relationship of love, then everything in my life will become spot on. But without this, it won’t." What is the misunderstanding? Indeed, many of the wisest people believed that love heals everything and that it contains the key to solve all their problems. The misunderstanding occurs when people believe that that, by love, they can understand the opening of this treasure within themselves, and so they mistakenly give the responsibility for discovering the treasure of love to somebody else. The minus believes that if something does not work out, they just need to try harder and give more to the relationship. But the plus won’t be able to justify minus's unrealistic expectations, and in general, minus didn’t ask for permission from the plus, and plus did not give their consent.

When getting out of the minus state, as with chemical addiction, a period of withdrawal is inevitable. The only way to help relieve the suffering a little while resources are still limited is to modestly accept the fact that the plus does not love you, does not need you, and does not value you. The plus is an ordinary person and part of the blame for the collapse of the relationship stays with you.

Another person cannot be the source of love in you. If the minus will understand this fact, then they will be able to avoid falling into unequal relationships. The minus has too little love and high expectations of relationships. The minus expects that relationships will be able to fulfil their lack of love - a lack of interest in life and knowledge, a lack of all the purest, pleasant, inspiring, and joyful things. The minus falls in love with not the specific person and their personality, but with their projections, illusions, images, and dreams. That is why even close communication, or a relationship is not necessary to shift into the minus state. Some people behave as minuses from afar.

What is easy to understand? To just see the imbalance in your relationship with your partner. If you don’t want to be a minus, stop trying to enforce your communication on someone who doesn’t have any interest, no matter how interesting things are to you. Do not dishonour yourself and do not beg for love. It is impossible to achieve success through dishonour. It destroys you and makes you weak, pathetic, and ugly. Indignity itself takes a lot of energy.

If you do not want to be a plus, stop trying to get close to someone who is not interesting to you, no matter how invested you are.

Ending a relationship isn't the only way out of an imbalance. First, you can try to return the relationship to a harmonic condition.​
The more developed your personality is, the less risk you have of slipping into a deep minus state.

Steps to get out of relationship imbalances:

Step 1: To see and accept the imbalance.
Step 2: To understand the imperfection of your personality. Don't be afraid to do so. This is an important step to psychological well-being - learning to see your imperfections and weaknesses.
Step 3: To create a strategy for ending relationships or to temporarily stop all efforts to maintain them. In a situation where there is a strongly continuing imbalance, you have to leave as soon as possible, because otherwise you may be thrown out at the most inconvenient moment.
“So, it is the minus’s strategy of discarding efforts to maintain the relationship which helps to get out of the imbalance and very often can return Plus to a balanced state.”

Before stopping your efforts, it is recommended to try to put some effort into the relationship at first. This includes your time, attention, adoration, and other benefits. If your attempts fail and don’t bring anything good, or convince you of the imbalance once again, you must stop any of your efforts to maintain the relationship.

The end of the relationship must be presented as the desire of the plus. For example, the minus comes to the conclusion that he will not have sex with the plus, if plus doesn’t consider the minus a partner for creating a family (this is just an example - you will have your own, based on your own principles and priorities). The plus once again says that they are not ready yet and the minus pauses until Plus is ready, while emphasizing their love for the plus.

If you are afraid that Plus will disappear and start a relationship with somebody else, then I can assure you that this would have happened anyway. Therefore, you won’t lose anything. Very often it is the next thing that happens:
You don’t need to show any initiative or take any steps towards your partner. Do not react to a minor initiative from Plus. Respond modestly to large initiatives.

Phrases such as "Maybe", "We'll see," "I'll think about it," etc, will be the best.
After a period of bitterness, Plus begins (from far away) to become interested in you. Plus checks your social networks, asks mutual acquaintances. The best option is to create an information vacuum around yourself. Avoid creating the appearance of intense happiness, or the opposite – the difficulty of experiencing separation. Just no information.

Then Plus then tries to get in touch. At the beginning from far away, such as asking about how you are doing. After attention from the plus, do not rush into their arms with declarations of love and do not reply immediately to his attempts. It is unusual for the plus. Then the plus hints at the opportunity for a date. You should not act very enthusiastic about it. Answers to his questions should be based on the principle of escape: avoid answering or giving ambiguous answers, prevent the continuation of the conversation, and refer to your need to do your own things without explaining what exactly. It may be useful to find out why the Plus needs this meeting without giving information about yourself or your attitude to the Plus. At the same time, there is no need to push back or disregard them – such a behaviour will not please a normal person.

If it comes to a date, the following would be helpful. At a meeting or in a remote conversation, Plus offers something. You gently and politely reject all hints and suggestions that try to drag you back into the imbalanced relationship until you are offered a balanced relationship. Continue in this way until Plus decides on the principle that you voiced. In our example, it will sound something like this: "I realised that I wanted to be only with you, let's start all over again."

The process above takes place over weeks and months. What have you done over that period? You should work on filling your life with something positive that isn't tied only to relationships. Even without relationships, a person can be happy. It is important to find the source of happiness that is in each of us but is buried under negative experiences from the past.​
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